There's lots of potential addictions out there - booze, drugs, porn, food, gambling and now, most potent of all, Donald Trump. Personally I can't get enough of the man.
Every morning I'm straight on my Reddit feed hungry for what he did over night. I have a need to read all the reaction to his latest tweets.
Then it's Fox, MSNBC and CBS. Craving every blog, impersonations and humiliation. Sniffing round the Internet desperate for a Trump hit.
Luckily there's dozens of large partisan TV panels to watch and why wouldn't there be?
Trump's so interesting. So exciting. Such a massive man, baby. The President has made our lives so much better. He may kill us all at some point but for now it's a total crack-up.
Donald Trump is surely the most ridiculed person on the planet. His appearance, grasp on reality, constant whinging, creepy family and staff are a gift to pundits and comedians.
Thanks to Trump we live in a golden era of political satire. People are laughing themselves raw at this guy.
The best Trump mocker is Stephen Colbert. His CBS Late Show has seen massive ratings gains thanks to his lengthy nightly Donald-focused monologues. So good. The dude rips Trump to pieces.
When Colbert left Comedy Central and took over from David Letterman on the Late Show he looked certain to fail.
Talented as he is, he was stepping into big shoes. Letterman was the greatest, he was gone and Colbert fell behind in the ratings. Then came the rise and rise of Donald.
Now Colbert lines up Trump in a barrel and shoots him every night. It's brutal, sexual, clever and most important of all, very funny. Treat yourself. CBS generously posts his entire Late Show monologues on YouTube.
Of course Colbert is currently in trouble for an allegedly homophobic Trump diss "You talk like a sign language gorilla who got hit in the head. In fact, the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin's c***-holster".
People are calling for Colbert's resignation. I say give him an award. What a great line. Go hard. Not every leftie has to be a wuss.
But HBO has the most hardcore Trump roaster of all. Bill Mayer is vicious. It's funny and it's a crusade. Then there's Trevor Noah, Saturday Night Live, Jim Jeffries and John Oliver. Trump is a gift to comedy
It's harder here in New Zealand. Our satirists have little to work with. Sure Andrew Little looks a bit like Homer Simpson but that's as funny as he gets. Bill English has been dubbed 'The Double Dipper of Dipton' but no one knows why.
Maybe it's the amount of kids he has. John Key pulled the odd ponytail in his day but he's gone. Colin Craig was funny with his robotic walk, garden photo shoots and pesting hypocrisy. Sadly he's gone too.
The Greens are too well behaved to really rip into. Which leaves Winston who gets Trumpy at times but he's been doing it so long we're all used to it.
As a result the upcoming New Zealand election isn't looking good from an entertainment perspective.
If he wins English isn't going to tweet "Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!" Like Trump did.
Bill didn't pretend to have won the popular vote in the 2002 general election to save face. He doesn't say witty things like '"There's nobody bigger or better at the military than I am".
Trump has completely altered the political discussion. What would it take to get heard above the din from the United States? Winston busted on the glass BBQ? Andrew Little fire trucking a hotel room? Bill English streaking at Eden Park?
That would be great. I'd love to see it. But it probably wouldn't shift the dial. There's too much Trump in the air. We're all too whacked out on the great man to care.
Crazy is the new normal and we don't get that crazy here. Let's fact facts: there's no audio of English showing off about grabbing a lady's bits. The dude is a hardworking, likeable family man. Where's the fun in that?
This article was first published on nzherald.co.nz and is republished here with permission.