Matt Heath: Time to blast my man blubber in bikini challenge

Section
Blogs,
Publish Date
Monday, 24 September 2018, 11:14AM
Getty Images
Getty Images

I've been thinking about #bikinitime on Instagram and how it relates to last week's suffrage 125. More specifically how the two things can merge together to make the New Zealand male thinner.

Millions of women post bikini shots to social media every day. Some judge them for it. Kate Sheppard probably would have, if she'd had an iPhone. Judged, not posted, that is.

So why do young ladies strip off for social media? If it's just for themselves then why share? Is it to garner the affirming "looking great babes" comments? Is it for financial gain or free holidays? To become a soc med influencer? Is it evolution at a play? Are bikini shots the equivalent of the peacock's plumage?

Maybe it's all about showing off hard work. If someone has laboured away on their body for months they probably want people to see it.

It's the same as me inviting mates round for a BBQ on the deck I built. Not that I have ever built a deck. But if I did, I bet I'd want to show off my hard work to everyone I knew.

Maybe bikini shots are simply a motivating factor for fitness regimes. If you're going to post photos you don't want to look terrible in them.

It could be all these reasons or none of them.

Whatever their motivations, focusing on their bikini activity has been extremely positive for me. It's helped birth a sensational new dietary idea. The Male Bikini Bod Challenge.

Longtime readers of my column may remember other diets I've invented and failed at. The Beer and Pie Diet, the Soup and Chocolate Diet, the Give Up and Get Fat Diet, the Not Eating Anything at All Diet and most recently the Blame the Heart Foundation BMI Calculator for My Fatness non-diet.

So why do I keep trying? Well I am very keen to meet my grandkids when they come along in two or three decades. I think The Male Bikini Bod Challenge might help get me there.

This is how it works. You pick a mate and challenge him to post a shot of himself in a revealing bikini on December 1. You do the same. Then you leave the success or failure of your hard work up to the court of public opinion. He with the most positive responses wins.

The Male Bikini Bod Challenge is brilliant in its simplicity. If you eat like a pig and fail to exercise between now and the first day of summer your shame will be laid bare for friends, family and strangers to see. Kind of like corporate boxing without the punching.

I aimed high and challenged Seven Sharp and Hauraki breakfast host Jeremy Wells to the Male Bikini Bod Challenge. He already has a rocking bod. He's the object of much female desire. Whereas I currently run a George Costanza vibe. He's a real challenge.

Will the Male Bikini Bod Challenge work where other diets have failed? I think so. Two words. Public humiliation. There is no greater motivator in life than shame. Few enjoy it. The MBBC uses the power of humiliation for good.

Even the best male body looks terrible in a bikini. Especially downstairs. There is no room in the front of the bikini brief for a man. Especially current cuts. You'll be lucky if your bits don't spill out both sides. Add a beer gut hanging over the top and you're in trouble.

Around back is no better. The backside cloth of the 2018 bikini is often thin and invasive. A huge problem for the male. We tend to run a hairier more pimply buttock than the average female.

Our upstairs is no better. As a male, the last thing you want is to successfully fill the cups.

Last week, hoping to avoid shame come December 1, I approached two of the best bods and fitness minds in New Zealand for advice: Matilda Rice and Art Green.

They told me to cut the carbs, go carnivore, lose the sugar and do the crunches. But most of all, lose the booze. That's going to be a tough one. I might focus on their other points.

How #bikinitime relates to evolution, gender politics and Kate Sheppard I do not know. What I do know is the Male Bikini Bod Challenge is motivating me to shed weight.

If a few public photos in a waterproof bra and nicks, ensure I live long enough and get to see my kids' weddings — I'm in. Let's do this. You'll be seeing most of my butt come summer.

BREAKING NEWS. Jeremy Wells has pulled out of The MBBC. What a coward. I guess I need another challenger...

This article was first published on nzherald.co.nz and is republished here with permission.

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